Frequently asked questions

Don’t say: “Daddy doesn’t love mom anymore or mom doesn’t love dad anymore.” Children may interpret this as: love is something you stop doing. “If they stopped loving each other, will they stop loving me?”

Instead, try: “We don’t love each other in the same way married people should love each other.” Or “Sometimes moms and dads have problems and they can’t fix them so they decide they are going to live in different houses.”

Don’t say: “Mommy is leaving us,” or “Daddy is leaving us”. Although it may feel that way if one person does not want the separation, you never want to give your children the message that their parent is leaving them. Children are often filled with uncertainty and fear, especially during the early days. Even words like break up and split leave children feeling very anxious and afraid.

Instead try: ”We are going to live in different houses. And we are going to make sure you get to spend time in both homes.”

Don’t say: “Who would you like to live with?” While it is important to check in and see how the kids are adjusting to their new scheduling, asking them whom they want to live with is a lose-lose question for a child. Children write about how that question puts them in the middle and they feel torn because they know someone will get hurt. Parents should make these decisions.

 Instead try: “We wanted to check in to see how the schedule is working from your perspective? What is challenging for you? What can we do to help?”

Other Tips: Counselling can be very helpful for children, particularly in the early transition. Consider seeking additional support for them and even for yourselves. Some parents even continue counselling during the transition so they can help their children through this. This can be one of the greatest benefits during the early days of separation.